elephant

i am always happy right after lunch. maybe it's because i get to leave the godforsaken basement. maybe it's because i get to read my book. i am still working on Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, and loving it. it's hard because i know i have to eat lunch, but all i want to do is read. very unusual for me. last night i walked by a movie store that is supposedly renowned for being great, and i didn't pick up a movie (even though i have sorta been craving one all week) because i wanted to read instead. bizarre. but, i like the breakthrough nonetheless.

last weekend i bummed around the city. i say bummed because i was a lost person for most of the time. at one point i was sitting on the bus with my giant bag in my lap (speaking of which, i think my bag is like the mary poppin's bag, but the opposite. with hers she fills it with a ton of stuff and it remains tiny, but with mine i only add a few things and it is always massive) and a silly map of the city clenched in my other hand. this map actually has a funny story. i wanted to get to the golden gate park, but everyone i asked for directions didn't appear to know what was going on. so, i saw this fancy pancy hotel. i went in a told them my dad was staying there (because i sorta looked like a silly vagrant hippie kid and didn't think they would help me otherwise) and that i was meeting him at the golden gate park. it was really fun. i don't know why. i made up this huge story and they asked why he was visiting (for father's day) and what he did (big fancy lawyer from LA) and what i was doing in san francisco (really living in berkeley, finishing up my PhD at UC berkeley). it was really really fun. maybe it was fun to be someone else entirely. i like to take advantage of being anonymous.

anyhow, this man sat next to me, kinda sketchy looking, and asked if i was going to the park. i said i was, and he said that next stop would work. coincidentally, it was his stop too. i was a little sketched out and was about to bustle off, but he seemed harmless, and there were a ton of people around. plus, if he wanted my wallet, i only have a few bucks in my account. we talked about san francisco. the city is nice, but i hate that there is a total lack of community. people act like there is, but when it comes down to it, they could give a shit about the person next to them. it's really awful. sometimes i will just smile and try to start a conversation with people in the grocery line and they look at me like i'm crazy. he has the same sentiments, and says that things are different in mexico. he's from mexico city, and has been traveling around california for a couple years. anyhow, he asks if i speak spanish, and i tell him i sorta do. so, we just start talking in spanish. it was hard for me, and he often corrected me, but i understood almost everything he said. he walked me to the place i was meeting friends (well someone that was going to teach me poi, who i had only spoke to over email), and said goodbye. it was lovely. renewed my faith in the world entirely. then i met andy, who offered me a joint (which, i would like you to know mom, i turned down), and taught me hyperloops. the day was grand.

i like this story because don't have a high regard for people most of the time.* i just don't think they are that great on a whole. if you get to know them they generally have some merit, but the random people i have brushed up against here have, for the most part, been cold and uninterested in having anything to do with me. this day was completely contradictory to that theory. maybe you just have to push them a little. poke 'em. get them to acknowledge you.

it's funny because i would never be happy without companions. but, people usually disappoint as well. they either make or break your day. i am doing better at ignoring the bad and appreciating the good. when i first got here it was hard, but being alone for extended periods of time forces you to figure yourself out. i am forced to decide how my day is going to be. i could either mope about what assholes people are, or cherish the bum sitting on telegraph who in his best begging voice exclaimed, "pardon me ma'am, could i get a smile?"