pea pod

i don't know about this whole graduate school plan. i am just not digging sitting in a lab all day long. it freaking sucks. there is very little variety involved. the experiments are drawn out and become monotonous. maybe if this project was my baby i would be more interested, but right now, in my position, i could care less about the structure we are characterizing. so, here is the new-pseudo plan that is sounding better and better. i want to take time off after school, of course. but, then maybe i will work for a lab and see if that fits. if i like the lab work, then i will go to graduate school. it not, then maybe i will postpone that plan. i just don't really think i will enjoy it. i like learning, but you only take classes for a year or two before transitioning into a completely research oriented path. i know that research would result in a lot of learning, but i hate working in lab. it's just so boring to me. yuck. sounds freaking awful. oh man, this is bad news. i plan on applying next year, but that doesn't mean anything. right? just applying. i don't want to get sucked into something that i hate. grad school is a five year commitment. i was talking to the grad student that i am working with yesterday about life. he is done with being a kid. once he is done here it is just a matter of what jobs are available. i asked about being a kid. was there any more space for that? he said, "well, you have to grow up sometime." oh man. bad news. i don't want to get in the routine of "the logic step". i don't want grad school to be the next logical step. i don't want an industry job to be the logical step after grad school. i want to play. i want to travel the country with no money. scraping by, and meeting amazing people who are happy. i want to be happy. i want to experience fabulous things and be happy. i am just scared i guess. part of me wants security too. i don't think i have a clear definition of what security really is though. part of my wants routine because i think that may give my happiness more security. i am scared of fluctuation. which makes graduate school seem appealing. it's five years of guarantees. there is no guarantee that your experiments will work or that you will make solid scientific advances. however, you are a part of something that is solid. you are a member of an academic community that will stay around during your time at school. something about that is comforting.

anyways, there is a babbling rant if i have ever heard on.