somedays i am confused as to where my life should go.

structure sunset
Originally uploaded by kellypeach

before i start: this photo is from burning man last year. i posted this photo because i just got my ticket for this year. woo hoo!

this title is terrible, i know. but, it's true. somedays are so magic and awesome that it makes me wonder what i do on the days that i don't feel that energy, community unity, and joy. i felt like my heart was bursting out of my chest this afternoon, and i don't know why i can't facilitate that feeling daily.

here's a recap:

1. i woke up later than usual, and concocted an amazing super veggie omelet. i showed off my fresh off the presses pop-up project (which i promise to post on the interweb soon enough) to my roommates, who were very pleased and confident that it would be a powerful wooing gesture. i made tea. basked in the sun. enjoyed the calm of the morning.

2. was off on my bike with coffee mug in hand to watch the kinetic art parade. a parade composed of anything rolling and decorated. there were little kids on stilts to massive shimmery floats with dj's popping out of them. quite a sight. these guys, krank boom clank, were my favorite.

3. this was all in the name of the river arts festival. where i found a whole host of friendly faces and amazing hugs. i ate delicious veggie phad thai in a tipi. i sat with dr. wasabi and waxed lyrical about how awesome life has been in the past days.

4. i took a moment to really appreciate the community around me. there was nothing but smiley faces and sweet greetings. i felt like i belonged in this park with all of these folks.

5. i listened to a tough group of mamas playing taiko drums. they were absolutely stunning and their energy rushed over the crowd, getting everyone fired up.

6. i laid in the grass for a long while writing letters and talking to my mom.

these are all very simple small things that put me in a totally cheery mood. i was struck by all the community building. these types of events that unify us as people living together in this wacky, complex, and often messy and mean place seem very honorable to me. feeling comfortable striking up conversation with your neighbor and learning something about each other can be really special and touching. i venture to say you live an incomplete life if you don't get the opportunity to do this. this is important and valuable. in portland the power and sense of belonging that i gained from the bicycle community was priceless. these types of networks help people in so many ways. one of those ways, which i've been focusing on through most of this, is in realizing creative goals. in creating art all around us. BUT, it goes much deeper than that. in times of serious need i've seen these types of communities keep people afloat. whether that be via helping pay for hospital bills, support in times of personal tragedies, helping construct homes (my yurt wouldn't have happened with my juggling community), community gardening, etc. i never feel alone in portland. sometimes i actually need to demand some solitude! that's awesome. if i do decide to settle down in one particular place i want to plant myself somewhere where i can foster that type of support system.

back to the title: this is a difficult problem with respect to what i am currently pursuing. the field of science can be a frustrating, cold, lonely place. i have often found myself alone in the lab at 9pm looking out the windows feeling hopeless. working at my bench with a bunch of terribly toxic chemicals wondering what the fuck i am doing. there is a big picture. i am learning everyday, but it rarely feels like a very nurturing place. maybe this is just the big hippy in me. but, it can be really challenging most days. sometimes i just shutdown and waste full days at my computer, stagnant without a means to motivate myself to get any science done.

however, the amount of knowledge i've accumulated in the past 2 years is priceless. i have transformed into a lifelong science learner with the tools to perpetuate this learning indefinitely. it feels awesome! it is also really empowering. i have been given opportunities to attend conferences and workshops that have significantly enriched my life.

HOW DO I FIND BALANCE BETWEEN THESE TWO COMMUNITIES.

somedays i just want to take the entire week to construct pop-ups.
somedays i want to hula-hoop until i'm bruised.
somedays i want to research kombucha via scientific journal articles.
somedays i want to make zines about science.
somedays i want to teach science to kids.
somedays i want to bike tour across the country.
somedays i want to learn to weld and construct kinetic monstrosities.

this list could continue for multiple pages.

my problem is that you can't really do science half-way. science is moving so quickly and in order to keep up you need to be throwing all of your time and energy your research continually. this sucks. i need balance. i need to exercise other interests too! i want to be a very versatile person. i don't want to leave these things behind in exchange for becoming a stunning scientist.

so, what do i do? this is my question to you. i rarely sleep as is. where do i find more time? anybody?

wow, that was a little intense. i wonder how many people made it to this sentence. i had to spit it out. these thoughts are churning through my head everyday. my head was getting too full.