so, i guess i'm a doctor now...

i finished my ph.d. it only took me 5.5 years. there were meltdowns, there were many moments of uncertainy, but it's over now.  that means a few things. first, i will be updating my blog again!

considering i haven't made a post since 2011, i realize i may be the only person still here, but that's fine.  i kind of like existing in an audience vacuum.

anyhow, onto the present!  i live in oakland now. i have a new sweetheart. his name is chops. i've known him for many, many years, and our lives finally collided a year ago. now we live together, and have begun growing some roots in the east bay. yes, i do mean that literally.

both of us consider ourselves radical people, but we often express our radical nature in different ways. one thing we do agree on is that becoming independent of the multinational food and beverage industry is a major step towards separating ourselves from a for profit system that does really scary things to keep you consuming and stop you from forming thriving communities.

we decided to become urban gardeners.  we are starting with raised beds!  our new place has a giant backyard, and was full of trash when we moved in. much of this has been hauled away, but about 15 futon frames and pallets were left by the management. we saw these as free veggie beds.  here are the results of our scavenged wood repurposing project:

tall raised beds for salad greens.

repurposed pallet beds. we layered them with plastic because
we were told our soil was no good.

big L shaped bed.

this weekend we filled them. our dear friend erin lent us her little pick-up truck, and we drove all over the place to get enough material to fill these puppies. first we found cheap compost at the napa recycling center (two truck loads there), and then got a heavy load of soil from alcapulco soil. in the end we spent about $80 to fill the beds. not too bad for all new soil!

cool little barrel planter for our herbs: basil, sage,
and rosemary.

the tomatoes: one beefsteak, and two wild heirlooms.

the full bed, with a compost corner pocket. there's a little
pepper in the right corner, but it's time we get planting seeds!

we have already decided on planting carrots, beets, radishes, and peas in the near future. still a lot of space to fill...

we also had a little housewarming/birthday get together! it was a blanket fort party, sleepover encouraged.  here is lauren cozy in her pink fort room:

fort party! lapis attack!

nothing like a good ol' fort party to make a girl feel settled in her new digs.  next up, CHICKENS! photos to come.

complexity in the face of redundancy.

there is something about muted gray skies that i adore. it may be the lack of urgency; at any given time of day it could be 8am or 11am or 4pm. i don't feel rushed by the sun darting across the sky, and i'm never blinded when i walk outside. it's delightful.

i've had a week full of positive revelations. here's the most significant one:

three things prompted this change:

1. i've spent the week engaged in serious conversation about science while helping kenji, my labmate, write an NSF grant application. although the goal was to help him clarify the most compelling reasons he has become a budding scientist worthy of funding, it has also forced me to ask this question of myself.

2. my friend carley and i had a heavy conversation about life and what we are doing here while overlooking the ocean at sunset near the bicycle path on campus. there are a set of chairs i always see when bombing home from campus, and we finally took a little time to actually walk out to them.

here is a great illustration of what it looks like from that spot:


3. walter (collaborator/housemate/killer friend) and i tested a new dye that changes color in response to the level of metabolism taking place in whatever cells you are testing. the dye works like a charm and will seriously improve our measurements of cell viability. BUT, the more exciting result of this screening was that i was giddy about it. i was genuinely fulfilled by my work.


this is an uncommon experience for me. i came to grad school for the wrong reasons (healthcare, to satisfy some unspoken parental expectations, socially ingrained personal expectations, etc.). as a result, i have had a pretty miserable time being a researcher. it has been a real struggle to be productive in the lab because i am rarely compelled by the work i'm doing.

this past week that changed.

science INSPIRED me this week. biology in particular. i can't believe that i never took a real biology class. i feel like such a fool! i have known for a long while that all life is primarily composed of Carbon, Oxygen, Sulfur, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, and Phosphorus. every chemist knows this. as a chemist we pride ourselves on the manipulation of molecules at the atomic level. this simplicity and redundancy is comforting to me.

HOWEVER, my lack of experience with biology has hindered my ability to fully comprehend how completely stunning the previous fact is.

the two examples that knocked me off my feet:

1. cyclic-di-GMP is a small molecule used by tons of types of bacteria to control changes in these cells. what really gets me is that bacteria have constructed loads of different enzymes to make this single molecule. AND they have also made enzymes to break it into pieces. this one molecule controls a bunch of different things (from virulence to biofilm formation to developmental transitions). it is made and broken down in response to local environmental cues. it is an amazing molecule! how can one molecule do ALL THESE THINGS!

the craziest part about this is that we barely know anything about this little molecule. we are just starting to scrape of surface of what this little bundle of atoms is responsible for accomplishing in bacteria. this BLEW UP MY MIND last week.

2. our immune system is fucking out of hand. we have ONE SYSTEM to deal with all types of wack-ass infections that are constantly colonizing our system. that's amazing! the fact that your body evolved a system that can deal with most nasty diseases is crazy.

BOTTOM LINE:

learning more about biology has uncovered the mind boggling complexity of life (us and bacteria). yet, there is still an incredible degree of redundancy in these processes. redundancy beyond atoms.

awesome.

new zine day!

hello little blog, sorry for neglecting you all these months.

today i put in some serious hours in on the new zine. it's a spin off of an old blog/social art project. where i asked folks to send me lists of 100 things about themselves. a handful of people did, and i think they are brilliant. thus, i am compiling the lists into a new zine called, "100 things about you". i am also going to the trouble of typing up all the lists on my new typewriter, and the experience can be summarized in one (two?) hyphenated word (s?):

time-consuming.

that's okay though because lately i've been making time to just hang out with my thoughts. it feels good doing art projects alone. i miss slowing down. i have kicked the summer habit of attending one weekend-consuming bbq after another. dare i say i'm turning over a new leaf.

lately i've been a cooking machine as well. this is the summer of indian food. i've bought bags of cumin seeds, cayenne pepper, ground coriander, stove-stainin' tumeric, garam masala, and gobs of fresh ginger. turns out that's about all you need to make delicious eats. oh! don't forget the asafeotida. it's the MSG of indian food. i have made cauliflower and zucchini taste like magic, and i'm moving into the world of roti or chappati or naan...indian flatbread is what i'm talking about!

also, there is a new meat eating plan. i'm vegetarian on business days, and a meat-eater on the weekends. sometimes the weekend starts on friday afternoon. BUT! it's been going splendid, and i am happy to be at the very least cutting down my consumption of animal products, for the environment's sake, 5ish days a week. baby steps...

i biked to school everyday last week, and it wasn't until friday that the 800 foot elevation gain felt feasible again. i'm enjoying returning to this morning ritual. i hope i can keep it up. i've started sketching a little bicycle on the days of the calendar that i bike up, and it is actually a good little motivator.

then there's...drum rollll...LAP SWIMMING! it's my new obsession. i swam almost everyday last week, foiled on friday by an unannounced swim meet. i've started with 36 laps, and hope to make it to a smooth mile by the end of the summer. i got serious about it this week. i even wear a swim cap! it's such a strange form of exercise. i still feel a wave of fear roll over me when i get to the middle of the lap. i'm working so hard, and i can't help but feel that i may be on the verge of drowning. this sensation has chilled out a bit in the past week, but it still lingers a bit. KICK FLIPS are the next step. i'll update you next week. i hope i don't smack my forehead into the edge of the pool.

what else? oh, soccer! i love the world cup. to the men of uruguay: your spirit and your fabulous hair will forever impress. can't stop the magic. i love you. and you! and you!

ps. i also got corey feldman's signature at the screening of lost boys at the boardwalk. it's a hilarious story.

today i am a queen

chariot rites of passage
Originally uploaded by kellypeach

remember that huge fuzzy hat the i knit in college. the one with all the little frilly bits poking out of it in all directions? (as depicted in the photo to the right) well, i was wearing it today in this coffee shop, and generally people give me the 'are you insane look' when they see it on. it is pretty over the top, and makes my head look twice its size. ANYHOW, a mom with a nervous little girl in tow approached me to say that her daughter loved my hat. in fact, she thought it would be a hat that a queen would wear, and on that note she was wondering if i was a queen. with a hat with so many jewels i must be a queen right? i had to tell her i wasn't sure anyone would call me a queen, but thanks for the compliment. i asked if she wanted to wear it, but she was WAY too nervous (she was talking to a hypothetical queen after all).

it was adorable, and since i felt all sad because of all the qualifying exam studying i've been doing and strange wearing my hat, it really perked me up. man, little kids rock.

i am totally fun.

even though i have been nothing but a pile of stinky, chemistry-studying poo for the past two to three months i am totally fun.

i ride bikes places, i make art, i give art to people and it makes them smile, i sew funny costume-like items that make people laugh, i wear funny clothes.

i scuba dive. i snowboard. i do fun things. i am fun. i will be fun again soon. december 4th. remember the date. call me after 3:30, and i will be a FUCKING RIOT!

personal wisdom that gets me through the day.

i've decided that it doesn't matter what you do with you life everyday as long as you make sure that what you choose to do is hard. challenging is really a better word. it's particularly rewarding when you like the challenging activity you do. like bike riding. if you go on huge, serious bike rides that wears you out that is awesome. if you choose easy rides you know you can do without much of a challenge, that's lame.

the reason challenge is important is because challenge is growth. the more challenging things you take on in a day the more you will grow. it's nice when you really like the tasks. like i would love to go on more hard bike rides over working in the lab. but, even the shitty hard things you have to do in a day force you to grow.

so, even if graduate school makes me crazy and unbalanced. i am still learning a shitload about science and chemistry. my brain works so hard trying to untangle all the insane transition states and stereochemical outcomes of these reactions, and this is great. even if it sucks, i am expanding my understanding and capability to take on and conquer complex questions. yeah.

now, everytime i think 'this sucks'. i am going to try and think, 'at least i am growing.'

awesome.

life is okay.

yesterday i almost posted a depressed, mopey update about the misery of preparing for orals, blah, blah, blah. but then something amazing happened.

joe kliegman from san francisco made a surprise appearance with three other friends of ours: alyssa, will draper, and another will. it was so nice to get the chance to give the kind of hugs where you know you can hold on as long as you want, and it will never get awkward. solid, super hugs. i usually only find them in portland, but joe k. knows all about these hugs.

they landed, and the five of us piled onto the three bikes i own (one bike was an xtracycle and another a tough touring bike with a killer rack). it was a hilarious slow affair, with copious giggling and shouting. we made it to a fancy bar, called the 515, in one piece, and met some chemistry gals for drinks. catching up was wonderful. there was plenty of reminiscing and a lot of laughs. after everyone was good and tipsy we headed to the ocean, something i seem to never do without company, which is a damn shame.

joe quickly discovered that you can explode the pneumatocysts on the macrocystis that it scattered all over the beach, and it makes a popping noise, like bubble wrap. Suddenly we were off, running like crazy people, stomping all the algae we could find. the moon lit up the crashing waves, and the empty boardwalk rides. it was nice genuine fun. i forgot all about my synthesis, and how miserable i'd been just hours before. it reminded me how much i love my friends. people who are always up for making their own adventures. people who are serious about the things they love. it reminded me that i am one of these people, and that i will be done with my qualifying exam soon, and then i will have the opportunity to play again. this is a small blink of time, and it seems like tomorrow i'll be back to my normal bike riding, scuba diving, pop-up crafting, stencil cutting self.

all 5 of us found our way back to my home, and we all piled into my room. there were people sleeping on every bit of empty floor space.

it was nice. i was happy.

thank you joe! i love you.

the things i did today.

1. i froze my ass off scooting to school before 8 am this morning.
2. i made delicious coffee (i'm now a happy addict).
3. i reworked my retrosynthetic scheme, and it looks much more feasible and reasonable now.
4. i attended the intro organic lecture i'm required to attend.
5. i assigned the fucking gnarly stereocenters for my molecule.
6. i talked about my diels-alder reaction for about 2 hours and felt my brain melt out of my ears.
7. i could think from 5:15-5:45 pm.

now, i'm thinking of going home and trying to study more. try to think about the synthesis of my diene and dienophile. i will work on chemistry at home. i will sop up my brains and wring them back into my head where they belong.

wish me luck.